I was at the Dr.'s office one day and I watched my worst fear, when I was in my abusive situation, play out right in front of me. A mother was served papers to have her child taken away. Now I know I don't know the story played out in front of me, but I do know that the argument about it was more important than the child. The father took too much satisfaction in serving them and the mother had more control than I would have been able to think of over her words.
Every time I have a trigger which takes me back to places I don't like to go it takes time to heal. Some people have said I should have totally healed and be over all aspects of it. I just think of Jesus when he showed up to the disciples after his death, not healed, not whole, but with the nail holes and scar in his side (John 20:19-31). I think it takes time and we never know what event might trigger a time when we stand in a place where our scars may reopen and reveal something new. This is the way they heal though because the next time I know what is coming, what thoughts, what feelings will be revealed. I am only stronger every time I confront it.
Every time I have a trigger which takes me back to places I don't like to go it takes time to heal. Some people have said I should have totally healed and be over all aspects of it. I just think of Jesus when he showed up to the disciples after his death, not healed, not whole, but with the nail holes and scar in his side (John 20:19-31). I think it takes time and we never know what event might trigger a time when we stand in a place where our scars may reopen and reveal something new. This is the way they heal though because the next time I know what is coming, what thoughts, what feelings will be revealed. I am only stronger every time I confront it.
Right now i want to
hold onto the hurt
pain, deep and full
wants to gather me to the place
where crying does
not stop, i want to cover up in
quiet where i can't
be found and let it swallow me
into
nothingness: no feeling, no words, no
noise
to disappear into
myself and not come out like a
protective shell to
the world's scariness to
shut the door to all
that might penetrate my
heart, ears, eyes,
sensitivity to draw myself away
from too loud and
too much and too awful
Yet if i am true to
the You in me i must walk out
Into the light of
day and approach a world
That sometimes
scares and draws me into
Worlds i want to
forget and leave behind forever
i know they don't
exist for me anymore yet the scars
Still pull and tear
and make me feel like a turtle
Drawing away from
the world…
Yet i cannot deny
Your love, Your protection, Your
Call which makes me
come into the light away
From myself and open
to all which comes
Even if my inside
bleeds, and flows out tears of
Plenty from the
broken hearts of all
Who lose their
treasured loves
Your words are touching this morning. Woundedness doesn’t heal; the scar remains—these things have shaped our lives and world view. The thing is to recognize the trigger and not succumb to the pain of remembrance where we act out in anger or despair. I have my own wounds that came be triggered and am at peace with them, learning to share that experience with others as a means of claiming for myself that the only other that has power over me is Eternal Wisdom. At the eucharist, we break the bread and share it; we re-member we are not alone. Let your woundedness shine as a sign of hope for others for whom the Light has not shone yet because of their despair, loneliness, addiction, abuse, or any number of conditions that seek to thwart that grace-filled Presence.
ReplyDelete