I was at the Dr.'s office one day and I watched my worst fear, when I was in my abusive situation, play out right in front of me.  A mother was served papers to have her child taken away.  Now I know I don't know the story played out in front of me, but I do know that the argument about it was more important than the child.  The father took too much satisfaction in serving them and the mother had more control than I would have been able to think of over her words.

Every time I have a trigger which takes me back to places I don't like to go it takes time to heal.  Some people have said I should have totally healed and be over all aspects of it.  I just think of Jesus when he showed up to the disciples after his death, not healed, not whole, but with the nail holes and scar in his side (John 20:19-31).  I think it takes time and we never know what event might trigger a time when we stand in a place where our scars may reopen and reveal something new.  This is the way they heal though because the next time I know what is coming, what thoughts, what feelings will be revealed.  I am only stronger every time I confront it. 

Right now i want to hold onto the hurt
pain, deep and full wants to gather me to the place
where crying does not stop, i want to cover up in
quiet where i can't be found and let it swallow me
into nothingness:  no feeling, no words, no noise
to disappear into myself and not come out like a
protective shell to the world's scariness to
shut the door to all that might penetrate my
heart, ears, eyes, sensitivity to draw myself away
from too loud and too much and too awful

Yet if i am true to the You in me i must walk out
Into the light of day and approach a world
That sometimes scares and draws me into
Worlds i want to forget and leave behind forever
i know they don't exist for me anymore yet the scars
Still pull and tear and make me feel like a turtle
Drawing away from the world…

Yet i cannot deny Your love, Your protection, Your
Call which makes me come into the light away
From myself and open to all which comes
Even if my inside bleeds, and flows out tears of
Plenty from the broken hearts of all
Who lose their treasured loves